People with the Abandonment schema live with a constant fear that the people they love will eventually leave them. The separation might happen through death, illness, rejection, or simply because others lose interest and disappear. Deep down, they don’t trust that love will last.
Others are experienced as unpredictable, easily overwhelmed, or suddenly absent – whether due to emotional instability, inconsistency, unpredictable behavior, or the belief that they will eventually leave for someone more important or more worthy.
This fear often brings chronic anxiety, sadness, and insecurity—sometimes even panic—whenever a separation feels possible or imagined (even a short one). Memories of past losses can turn into anger, grief, or intense emotional distress.
When the schema gets triggered, they may cling tightly to others, become jealous, controlling, or suspicious—anything to prevent being left behind. They can become preoccupied with potential rivals or try to hold on so tightly that it drives others further away.
Ironically, they are often drawn to unstable or unavailable partners—people who are inconsistent, emotionally distant, or unwilling to commit. These relationships recreate the very abandonment they fear most. Others avoid intimacy altogether, choosing distance rather than risking loss.
Origins of Abandonment Schema
“- A parent or loved one died or left home when the child was young.
– The child was separated from a primary caregiver for a prolonged period of time (e.g., parents divorced, a parent was hospitalized, the child was sent away to boarding school).
– Caregivers were unstable. They became depressed, angry, drunk, or in some other way withdrawn from the child regularly.
– The child lost the attention of someone important in a significant way (e.g., a new sibling was born, a parent remarried, or a friend chose somebody else).” (Bricker & Young, n.d.).
Examples of core beliefs:
“- I can’t trust that others will stick by me
– Eventually, people I love will leave me” (Bricker & Young, n.d.).
This schema frequently overlaps with:
- Subjugation: believing that they must please others to avoid being left.
- Dependence / Incompetence: fearing they can’t survive alone.
- Defectiveness / Shame: feeling that others will leave once they see their flaws.
Therapeutic Goals
Therapy helps clients examine how stable their current relationships truly are and challenge the belief that abandonment is inevitable. As they heal, they become less preoccupied with losing people and more able to feel secure even when loved ones are not constantly available.
They learn to internalize a stable sense of connection—knowing that others can care for them even when they’re apart. As related schemas like subjugation or defectiveness soften, clients gain greater emotional independence and self-worth.
Recovered clients can choose reliable, emotionally available partners and tolerate temporary separations without panic. They no longer feel the need to constantly reach out just to feel safe.
Core Treatment Strategies
Limited Reparenting and the Therapeutic Relationship
A strong therapeutic relationship is the foundation of treatment. For clients with intense abandonment fears, the therapist often becomes a stable emotional base—a safe place from which they can begin to explore the world again.
Through limited reparenting, the therapist provides consistency, warmth, and reliability, helping the client internalize a new, stable attachment figure. The therapist gently confronts distortions such as “you’ll eventually leave me,” while helping the client tolerate short absences—vacations, breaks, or scheduling changes—without spiraling into panic.
As therapy progresses, the goal is to help clients build stable relationships outside therapy so that their security no longer depends solely on the therapist.
Cognitive Strategies
Cognitive work focuses on challenging core beliefs like “everyone I love will leave or die.” Clients learn to see temporary separations as normal and not catastrophic, and to accept that others have their own needs and boundaries.
They also work on beliefs tied to related schemas:
- “I must do whatever others want to keep them close.” (Subjugation schema)
- “I can’t manage alone.” (Dependence/Incompetence)
- “If people see the real me, they’ll leave.” (Defectiveness/Shame)
By examining these assumptions, clients learn to build more balanced, trusting relationships.
Experiential Strategies
Experiential work focuses on early memories of instability and loss. Through imagery, clients revisit moments of abandonment and visualize the therapist appearing as a stable, protective figure who stays with them.
They are encouraged to express anger toward caregivers who left them or were unstable, and to access the deep sadness beneath that anger. The therapist models emotional steadiness and care. Over time, clients learn to provide that same comfort for themselves—the Healthy Adult soothing the abandoned child within.
Behavioral Strategies
Behavioral change means learning to build and maintain stable, healthy bonds. Clients practice how to:
- Choose emotionally consistent and available partners.
- Stop pushing others away with jealousy, control, or anger.
- Tolerate time alone without falling into despair.
- End unstable or chaotic relationships instead of repeating the same painful cycle.
When this schema gets triggered—especially by a therapist’s absence or scheduling change—clients can experience intense fear or rage. The therapist responds with empathy and gentle confrontation, validating the pain while correcting distorted interpretations.
Some clients try to “earn” safety by becoming ideal patients, never missing sessions or overworking to avoid being rejected. Others call or message excessively for reassurance. Avoidant clients might do the opposite—withdraw or even quit therapy preemptively to avoid future pain. Some clients may test the therapist by threatening to end the therapy or by accusing the therapist of wanting to end it.
The therapist’s task is to maintain steady boundaries while addressing these reactions compassionately. One potential risk is when therapy itself becomes the client’s main source of attachment, making progress outside therapy difficult.
The ultimate goal is for the client to form real, stable, mutual relationships where emotional needs can be met—so that safety and connection are no longer tied solely to the therapist’s presence.
Resources:
-Bricker, D. C., & Young, J. E. (n.d.). An introductory guide to schema therapy: Adapted for use with the YSQ-R (Modified by O. Yalcin). https://doi.org/10.13140/RG.2.2.18302.46408
-Young, J. E., Klosko, J. S., & Weishaar, M. E. (2003). Schema therapy: A practitioner’s guide. Guilford Press.